Help, My Child Is Anxious!

Written on the 11 August 2023 by Lucy Cook

Kids rule at Penguin! The world of separation and divorce for children is challenging and nearly every time on their free orientation visit, they say that they feel unheard and that they have no control over what happens to them. At Penguin we find it helps to grab out the textas and butchers paper and do a floor activity with them. We help them to identify the factors that are:

Out of their control (we call these non-negotiables) - such as, court ordered items, the time, day, duration they must see their non-residential parent, how their parent will respond to them.

In their control - such as, what we play with, how long we play, where their parent should sit, deciding whether to have a good day (how they show up on the day - think mindset), what their supervised parent should bring to eat within our healthy food policy, when they will eat, if they take artwork home or if they give it to their parent.

The Worst Thing That Can Happen Game - once a rapport is established we play the Worst Thing That Can Happen game. What is the worst thing you think could happen on a visit? The great news here is that most of the things raised are easy fixes (many are listed in their no-go topics below or are around safety issues).

No-go topics/actions - lastly, we talk about any topics or areas they don't want their supervised parent to bring up (aside from our Penguin code of conduct including nothing about the other parent, the future if uncertain etc). Some children have identified things that are painful for them such as things that have happened in the past, I don't question as to why but examples are: the high school I am going to next year, the old pets, mum's boyfriend etc. They can also specify things like no hugging. We do also talk about how these things can change over time, they may be their rules for now, but I often find down the track they bring up things when they are ready, and they know I am there to support them. When we are in the rebuilding phase of the relationship it really reduces their anxiety when they gain back some sense of control. This is called a Sense of Agency. It follows along the lines of when you have a toddler and they rip their clothes off in anger because it is the only thing they can control. By providing them 2 acceptable options for them to choose from, it reduces frustration and gives them this sense of agency. eg. red cup or blue cup, should we have a bath after the wiggles or before, etc.

We can then relay the relevant information to the supervised parent so they know what not to do, what to bring and how to help set the visit up for success.

Anxiety rating - by using this method (the Penguin Method), we have found children reduce their anxiety rating out of 10 from around 9 or 10 prior to orientation to 6 or 7 after. We talk about how it is natural to be anxious especially before the first visit and even mum and dad are, because there are a few unknowns.

By following the Penguin Method we are setting the children up for success, setting the visit up for success and supporting both parents on their journey.